Xtra Large Men
by Red Witch
Summary: The X-Men find themselves with a weighty problem. Maybe they ate too much Easter candy?


**The disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any X-Men Evolution Characters has broken the scale and gone on a diet. This fic is based on my own irrational fears and insecurities and a very bizarre dream I once had. **

**Xtra Large Men**

"Oh boy! Breakfast! Yum!" Kitty began to eat her pancakes with relish. Actually she really did put **actual **relish on her pancakes. "You know you would think that pickle relish on pancakes would taste yucky but this stuff isn't half bad."

"I told you it's good to experiment," Jean told her. "Someone pass the sweet rolls and garlic butter!"

"I tell ya, I can't remember having a breakfast that was this good," Logan cut into a huge piece of cake with his claws.

"Wait a minute," Kitty blinked. "Something is a little bit off here…"

"I'll say," Ororo said. "It's this whipped cream. I think it went bad."

"No…It's something else…" Kitty looked around the table. Everyone including herself had turned into Blob sized mutants. "I just can't put my finger on it." 

  "Hey Iceman! I need more ice cream here!" A huge Rogue waved her bowl. "My third slice of apple pie is kind of dry."

   "Apple pie for breakfast?" Kitty made a face.

            "Don't knock it," Bobby said. He was also extremely fat and completely covered in his ice form. He looked like a deformed snowman. "Early colonists ate pie for breakfast and it was great! What flavor Rogue?"

            "Uh I think I'll stick with the vanilla," Rogue said.

            "You got it," Bobby used his powers and a huge scoop of ice cream was dumped on top.

            "Oh yeah that's the stuff," Rogue smiled as she dug in. "Thanks Bobby."

            "Is that a mumu you're wearing Jean?" Kitty blinked at the yellow tent like garment Jean wore.

            "I needed something more comfortable to wear," Jean shrugged as she chowed down on a sweet roll.

            "Hold it…Hold it…What the…?" Kitty looked at herself. "Oh my god! I'm fat!"

            "Why do girls always say that?" Bobby groaned as he hate some more ice cream. "Kitty you're no fatter than I am."

            "Uh take a look in the mirror Blob Junior!" Rogue snapped.

            "This from someone who looks like she ate Blob Junior!" Bobby quipped. "And Blob Senior!"

            "If I could reach over there I would knock you out into next week!" Rogue struggled to hit him but couldn't move due to her huge girth.

            "But you can't, so ha ha!" Bobby snickered. "Whoa…Nearly fell off my chair here…"

            "Now that you mention it, we all kind of put on weight recently," Scott said. He used his visor to carefully toast a large scone. "Hmmmm…Optic blast warmed scones! Yum!"

            BAMPH!

            CRUNCH!

            The table collapsed by the weight of Kurt landing on it. In fact Kurt was twice his size and extremely round and huge. "Elf! How many times do I gotta tell you not to teleport onto the table anymore?" Logan snapped.

            "I can't help it," Kurt helplessly waved his arms and legs around. "It's the only way I can move now!"

            "You look just like a giant furry blueberry with a tail," Bobby snorted as he ate some more of his home made ice cream. "Or that girl in that Willy Wonka movie if she had a fur coat on."

            "At least I do not look like a giant glob of ice cream!" Kurt waved his fists around.

            "Aw Elf! You squashed the sweet rolls!" Logan groaned.

            "Yeah those buns are stuck on his buns," Scott grumbled.

            "Wait, wait…I think they're still good," Bobby said.

            "Are you crazy? They have fur all over 'em!" Rogue snapped. "Somebody pass me the corn bread instead."

            "Kurt teleport off the table before you shed all over breakfast," Jean rolled her eyes.

            "Breakfast? I thought it was lunchtime?" Kurt asked. He teleported off the table and onto the floor. "It's noon."

            "You're right," Jean said. "Hey! Who's up for a couple dozen Monte Cristo sandwiches and a salad or two?"

            "I could go for a half dozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches," Kitty said. "Wait a minute…Maybe we should all go on a diet?"

            "Aw that's just a bunch of hooey!" Logan snarled as he chomped on some bacon.

            CREEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKK!

            "Uh oh…" Logan gulped. "Extra weight and an adamantium skeleton do not miiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiixxxxxxxxxxxxx!" He screamed as he fell through the floor all the way down to the lower levels.

            SPLORT!

            "Okay who filled the Danger Room full of chocolate pudding?" Logan shouted. "Never mind! I'm okay! But if you can send down a spoon and some whipped cream…Ah forget it! I don't need 'em!"

            "Now this are getting totally weird," Kitty blinked. "Professor! What's going on?"

            Xavier wheeled in on a small forklift. He was extremely fat and huge. "Obviously this is the work of a powerful…Whoa! Where are the brakes? Where are the…?"

            CRASH!

            Xavier had driven through a wall. "The Professor really should have read the manual for that thing," Ororo blinked. "Pass the chocolate chip pancakes please?"

            "Oh this is just perfect! The Mighty X-Tra Large Men are helpless! Ha Ha Ha Ha!" A voice cackled in delight.

            "Who are you?" Kitty gasped. She then saw a mirror image of her old self only she was wearing a black uniform and her hair was in pigtails. "You look like me!"

            "Uh yeah, that's because I'm your evil twin," The girl rolled her eyes. "Duh!"

            "I have an evil twin?" Kitty blinked.

            "Yeah you do. I'm Katie Pryde," She smiled. "I haven't thought up a cool codename yet. Something feline related. I was going to go with Black Cat but I heard that was already taken. What do you think? Top Cat? No…Never mind, it's next on the list."

            "So you did this to us?" Bobby asked.

            "Oh yes. I was once fat but then my X-Gene kicked in and I then realized I had the power to make myself thin by making other people fat," Katie smiled. "Something called fat cell displacement…I dunno the exact science of it but as long as it works, who am I to rock the boat?"

            "You're the one who made us fat?" Kitty screamed.

            "Yes! It's part of my master plan!" Katie laughed manically.

            "You made everyone around you fat so you could rule the world?" Kitty asked.

            "No, I made everyone fat so I could be the only thin person on the planet," Katie gave her a look. "Rule the world. Yeah right! Like I have time for that! I'm going to Florida in a few weeks and I still haven't picked out the right swimsuit to wear yet. Rule the world? Hello! That sounds like work! Bor-ing!"

            "All right we're going to stop you!" Scott shouted. "X-Men   ! Assemble!" He struggled to reach his glasses but had grown so fat he couldn't reach it.

            "Please the only thing you guys can assemble now is a buffet line," Katie folded her arms.

            "Yeah well chill out sister!" Bobby shot out a glop of ice cream. "Uh oh. I'm stuck on ice cream mode!"

            "Yum! Mocha flavored!" Rogue rolled into the ice cream.

            "HEY! I WANT SOME OF THAT!" Jean managed to move over and the girls were shoving each other to eat the ice cream.

            "Nightcrawler do something!" Kitty shouted.

            "I am!" Kurt spun around. "I'm trying to see where the ice cream is so I can port over to it!"

            BAMPH!

            "OH YEAH BABY!" Kurt shouted as he lay on top of the frozen pile. "Jackpot!"

            "Move your tail Kurt! You're getting fur all over my ice cream!" Jean snapped.

            "Your ice cream?" Rogue snapped.

            "Winds blow! And howl and…" Ororo tried to summon her powers but found herself getting exhausted. "That's a lot of work. I got nothing. Ooh, pancakes and pickle relish! You're right Kitty these are good!"

            "I swear I will never complain about a Danger Room exercise ever again," Kitty groaned.

            "Looks like it's just you and me Coz," Katie grinned. "And it's time for you to blow!"

            "HEY! WHAT'S GOING ON?" Kitty grew fatter and fatter. She grew so fat she began to fill up the room, squishing her friends. Then spilling out of the mansion. Then she grew bigger than Bayville. Then bigger than the state of New York. Then so big she was popping out of the planet Earth like a giant zit.

            And everyone knows what happens to zits.

            BOOOOOOOOOM!

That's when Kitty Pryde woke up screaming.

"Kitty!" Rogue ran in. "Kitty what's wrong? Are you okay? I could hear you screaming in my room!"

"Oh god Rogue! Rogue! You're not fat!" Kitty shouted.

"And you're not an airhead," Rogue gave her a look. "Calm down."

"How did you slim down? Did my evil twin's powers backfire?" Kitty asked.

"What?" Rogue asked. "Kitty it sounds like your **brain **backfired. You were having a nightmare."

"Wait, it was all…" Kitty looked at her self. "That means there's no Katie and Kurt's not a furry blueberry. I wonder if Bobby really _can _make ice cream?"

"I am going back to bed," Rogue grumbled as she turned around and left the room. "And I didn't think she could make any less sense while awake!"

"I should **never** eat my own cookies before going to sleep," Kitty sighed. "I knew it was a mistake to put that pickle relish in instead of maple syrup."


End file.
